Usually, I grace this column with a thoughtful essay about some pressing issue. However this week I am quite busy launching a candidate for public office, so I set down my political-hack hat and put on my best comedy-writers hat. Political comedy is always hit and miss, that's why there is so little quality material, however it always is freshest when it is local. Today I will take a look back and pull a page from Ambrose Bierce.
 
As the overly-educated readers of NwCitizen will know, Ambrose Bierce was a writer from the turn of the 20th century who wrote a satirical lexicon called The Devil’s Dictionary. In the book, Bierce took popular words and phrases, and offered ironic definitions for the amusement of his readers. This week, I aim to do just that with a local twist.
 
Herald, The
            (noun) Usually referring to one who comes before to announce much, as opposed to in Bellingham, where it is something that comes two days after to announce little.
 
Tea Party
            (noun) Once a practice of the wealthy to waste their time, now a practice of the angry to waste ours.
 
Constitutional Argument
            (noun) A rare creature, this has been mistakenly sighted several times in the last year but has yet to have a documented appearance.
 
Pull a (Seth) Fleetwood,
            (verb) The practice of appearing at an event long enough for everyone to remember you were there without actually appearing.
 
Port of Bellingham
            (noun) Either a very good wine or a very poor governing body.
 
McShane Machine
            (noun) See “Boogeyman”
 
(Wendy) Harris-ment
            (noun) The moment when Councilman Crawford realizes the audience is smarter than he is.
 
Beck-ish
            (adjective) A conversation that starts out common enough, but quickly dissolves into paranoid ramblings and awkward displays of emotion.
 
(Barbara) Brenner-ing
            (verb) Constructing a sentence in such a manner that you nullify any chances of it being understood.
 
Fairhaven
            (noun) Coming from the word faeger meaning “beautiful or pleasant way” and haefen meaning “to take your money.”
 
Crawford
            (noun) Location where progress can become stuck.
 
 Tsunami Election
            (noun) When your candidates sweep into office.
 
Weird Fluke
            (noun) When their candidates sweep into office.
 
Michelle Luke-ing it
            (verb) There is no definition here. Just 48 seconds of pure, awkward silence.
 
I apologize to everyone I’ve missed and congratulate everyone I’ve abused. Go ahead and comment with any of your own personal definitions.