A beautiful June day at the Bellingham Farmers’ Market and a sudden joyful noise arises from the strolling public. The local contingent of the World Naked Bike Ride has arrived on Railroad Avenue. Remembering that the annual ride is intended to raise awareness and support for non fossil-fueled transportation, I walk over to the curb to cheer. There they are, maybe thirty painted and barely clad cyclists, fig leafed in amazingly creative ways and doing loops for the market throng. Above the din a loud voice is heard from a police officer on the Railroad/Maple corner of the Market repeating “Are you offended? Is anyone offended? Are you offended?”

The looks on peoples’ faces bespeak a communal, “Huh?” I feel for the police officer who pulled this duty on a rare sunny Saturday, but curiosity overcomes pity, so I ask him, “What would happen if I told you I am offended?” His answer is prompt and firm. ”We’d shut it down.”

The ride, better named “The Almost Naked Bike Ride,” quickly moves on to the interurban trail. On my walk home, huge bag of mixed baby kale in hand, it strikes me: Wow! I have the power to shut things down! All I have to do is tell the police what offends me! I mentally begin to compose my list. Talk about stress-reduction and empowerment! I had been offended for so long by so many things, never knowing the law was eager to hear my list so it could go into action. When I get home, I begin writing out my list.

INDECENT THINGS THAT DEEPLY OFFEND ME

All wars and occupations
All profiteering weapons industries,
their lobbyists, and political beneficiaries
All mountain-top removal and strip mines
Goldman Sachs and Peabody energy,
especially when they make deals with
railroads and Warren Buffett

NAFTA AND CAFTA
The Patriot Act
Homeland Security
Nuclear power plants, starting with GE Mark I’s
BP and all offshore drilling
All clear cutting
All fracking
School of the Americas (even though re-named)
All tar sands operations
All for-profit prisons
All coal-fired power plants
All uranium mining and depleted uranium

The War on Drugs
All sweat shops and exploited labor
All human trafficking
Tax breaks for fat cats
Health insurance money in Congressional pockets
Star Wars (re-named Missile Defense)
ICE raids……

Well, that’s a start. I didn’t get the officer’s name, so if anyone knows exactly where I can send my list for prompt and firm shut downs, please let me know, because I really need relief under the law. If it turns out to have been just a “How To Handle The Naked Ride” policy and not a way for real relief, then let’s start passing some ordinances that might help save the earth and her creatures, including ourselves. If I had needed to defend myself against some scrawny thighs and pastied breasts, I could simply have turned away, or if shocked and offended, informed the officer sans solicitation. But I cannot simply turn away from corporate despotism and destruction of my rights to clean air, soil, and water, to peace, and to fundamental equity for my fellow creatures and future generations. It’s a capital offense when naked greed and aggression have taken us all for a ride.