From a Political Junkie: Marriage, Values and Culture

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Mon, May 17, 2010, 4:55 am  //  Riley Sweeney

In the last month, I have been thinking about the clash of cultures. Two things brought this to light. One of my oldest and dearest friends just got engaged. I have known this guy since kindergarten, we grew up together. He is getting engaged to a woman who he started dating five months ago, and his family welcomed the news with joy. He is my age, 23. The key part of this whole scenario is that he is also highly religious, from one of the more conservative traditions.
 
Why does it worry me? I’m quite happy he is getting married, but why does it set off little warning bells in my head? Perhaps it’s the short courting time, the fact they have never lived together, the fact they are young. There have been short courtships before this that have worked out, same with couples who move in right after their wedding. My parents married young and it worked out. So why does it worry me?
 
I think it is firmly rooted in the culture I grew up in. I grew up in a liberal family of two college-educated state workers, raised without any religion in my life and surrounded by children of similar values. I spent most of my youth volunteering with non-profit community organizations and didn’t enter a church until I was sixteen. My worldview firmly reflects these privileges and biases. The idea of cohabitating before marriage seems like a common sense step. You must know how your life will change before you make such a firm commitment. The idea of getting married quickly or young implies a rash decision without thought of the full consequences.
 
But from my friend’s point of view, it is the natural step. You find someone you are compatible with, get married and start a family relatively quickly. He values his faith and his family, and knows he will make the situation work. He has confidence this is the right path for him after he returned from his mission a year ago. My misgivings simply reflect our cultural differences.
 
The second thing causing these issues to surface is that my girlfriend’s sister has started dating a local Bellingham boy. Hang on, I’ll unpack that so it sounds less elitist. She is an Anthropology major at Western, in her second year, who soaks up books like a sponge, and she found a pleasant young man who has lived his whole life in Whatcom County and now works as a chef in one of the restaurants. He has never attended college, although he hopes to be a cop some day. He is nice, pleasant and likes to spend his weekends out at the firing range with his friends. He is pretty Christian, she is a most devout Pagan and bristles at the very mention of Jesus.
 
Do opposites attract? Sure, but is it sustainable? The more time I spend with this guy, the more I like him. He is friendly, honest and clearly quite in love with my girlfriend’s sister. So why is there this vague unease? Once again, cultural differences. We come from different places in the world socially, economically and religiously. Can they work things out? Will I be more comfortable with him in the future? I believe so, but that innate bias makes things tricky.
 
We could spill over all these microcosms to a whole range of subjects: race, religion, politics. You can see why the conflicts over abstinence-only education, prayer in schools, gay marriage, and divorce laws can get so ugly. In one of my first political science classes, we were asked to prepare and present debates on any issue except one. Abortion. The teacher told us no one’s mind would ever be changed on that no matter how much discussion was had. Are these cultural issues really so contentious they cannot be overturned?
 
I would love to wrap up this column on one of those positive, David Brooks-like moments where I say, “If only there was more civility in our discourse, things would be so much better.” But I can’t. These issues will always be there. And to think the differences here were minor; mainly issues of class and religion, not race or location. I think the best way for us to move forward would be to acknowledge what makes us nervous. What cultural divides do you encounter? What phrases or situations trigger the feeling that the person you are talking to does not share your background?
 
The last level of irony on this topic is that I myself have been talking with my partner about getting married some day. We have been cohabitating for over a year and a half, and are just now beginning those discussions. What gives me any right to look down my nose and say someone else is getting married too early or too young?

John Servais  //  Mon, May 17, 2010, 9:32 pm

Thanks for sharing your personal views on this, Riley.  Your thoughts are probably similar to what many of us deal with as friends get married, choose careers and make other important life changes.  As I’m pushing 70, it is nice to read your thoughts at 23 and see that we have common thinking. 

And as one who has had friends marry, divorce, and then marry and divorce again, I have two observations that are born from experience.  One - no decision is life long.  Each decision has to be reinforced daily and yearly.  There is always the chance to change and the rest of us need to accept that in our friends.  Second - it is tragedy only when society prevents people from making desired changes in their private lives.  Society is the churches, the laws, the social pressures, employers, and, last but most importantly, our families and friends.  People can always make changes.  Society should allow them to.

Decisions made at a young age are not the problem.  It is society locking people into those decisions and not allowing changes.  Divorce was not so easy nor accepted just a few short decades ago - when I was young.  Now it is.  We should safeguard this.  And we have many more barriers to fulfilling private lives that we need to dismantle.  The lack of gay rights.  Abortion rights.  Racism.  And there are more.

The Big Business of Breast Cancer

Wed, Feb 08, 2012, 8:14 am  //  Guest writer

There’s no profit in searching for causes, and we know there's no real cure. But there's big money in the detection and treatment of breast cancer.

2 comments; last on Feb 11, 2012

An inexpensive way to save children’s lives

Tue, Feb 07, 2012, 1:41 pm  //  John Servais

Bellingham is slowly installing flashing yellow lights for school zones. This is far better than trapping drivers with speed zone cameras. But, no city revenue.

2 comments; last on Feb 09, 2012

Healthy, energy-efficient building practices

UPDATE: City of Bham Moonlighting Issue - More Documents

Mon, Jan 30, 2012, 10:58 pm  //  Riley Sweeney

Riley updates us on the latest facts coming to light about City of Bellingham employee moonlighting

2 comments; last on Feb 01, 2012

Compliance, Noncompliance and Invalidity in Whatcom County

Sun, Jan 29, 2012, 10:16 pm  //  Wendy Harris

The County's rural planning actions have not just failed to comply with the GMA...they have contradicted the goals of the GMA.

3 comments; last on Feb 05, 2012

A Worm’s Eye View of our local WorkSource Center

Wed, Jan 25, 2012, 9:42 am  //  Riley Sweeney

Riley visits the local WorkSource center and interviews the regional director

0 comments

Watch out for basement flooding

Thu, Jan 19, 2012, 9:03 pm  //  Paul de Armond

Stormwater surge may back up sewers

5 comments; last on Jan 21, 2012

The Political Junkie interviews Kathy Kershner

Thu, Jan 19, 2012, 4:29 pm  //  Riley Sweeney

Riley discusses the Jail, Jack Louws, and an impartial council with our new Council Chair

1 comments; last on Jan 20, 2012

SOPA - A Step in Destroying Democracy

Thu, Jan 19, 2012, 12:17 am  //  John Servais

NWCitizen.com went black for Wednesday, Jan 18, 2012, as a protest against proposed legislation, SOPA and PIPA. Here is what was posted.

1 comments; last on Jan 19, 2012

Why SOPA is so terrible

Tue, Jan 17, 2012, 6:28 pm  //  John Servais

On Wednesday, thousands of websites will go dark to show opposition to SOPA. I will be posting a single article explaining who SOPA is so bad.

0 comments

Planning Commissioner Mocks Environmental Concern For Coal Terminal

Sat, Jan 14, 2012, 11:06 pm  //  Wendy Harris

Planning Commissioner Onkels should recuse himself from review of environmental impacts at GPT.

3 comments; last on Feb 08, 2012

Jack Petree, Olympia, the Whatcom Council and Obama’s Inner Circle

Wed, Jan 11, 2012, 8:04 am  //  Riley Sweeney

Latest from the Political Junkie on a variety of subjects

7 comments; last on Jan 15, 2012

Commmunity Governance at its Best

Mon, Jan 09, 2012, 8:27 pm  //  Tip Johnson

We have a new mayor!

4 comments; last on Jan 10, 2012

Property Rights Protected Under Lake Whatcom Stormwater Proposal

Sun, Jan 08, 2012, 11:02 pm  //  Wendy Harris

The County's proposed stormwater regulations for Lake Whatcom will increase development without improving water quality

2 comments; last on Jan 20, 2012

Riley Rouses Row Over Domestic Violence

Sun, Jan 08, 2012, 1:21 am  //  John Servais

Issue is County Council member Kathy Kershner and how our social service programs are funded.

3 comments; last on Jan 08, 2012

Some thoughts on the Occupy Bellingham issue

Sun, Jan 01, 2012, 12:05 am  //  John Servais

A third note on Jan 1 about the Herald photos with links. And previous thoughts on the trivia around the militarized evictions.

9 comments; last on Jan 10, 2012

Kelli Linville has taken oath as mayor

Fri, Dec 30, 2011, 2:07 pm  //  John Servais

Kelli assumes office of mayor at midnight Dec 31

6 comments; last on Jan 02, 2012

Bellingham Herald removes comments

Fri, Dec 30, 2011, 11:59 am  //  Wendy Harris

Decide for yourself if this blog comment, posted under my own name, should have been flagged and removed from the Bellingham Herald Online Edition.

1 comments; last on Dec 30, 2011

Herald Permits Censorship of Pro-Occupy Bellingham Comments

Fri, Dec 30, 2011, 11:14 am  //  Wendy Harris

Anyone can "flag" a blog posting, resulting in immediate removal of your comment, regardless of merit. This is occuring for comments supporting OB.

1 comments; last on Dec 30, 2011

City Exceeds Scope of Occupy Bellingham Eviction

Wed, Dec 28, 2011, 8:26 pm  //  Wendy Harris

The City infringed on the public’s right to peaceful assembly in a public park by enforcing an inappropriate public safety law

2 comments; last on Dec 30, 2011

Dan Pike Issues Order to Evict Occupy Bellingham

Tue, Dec 27, 2011, 11:55 am  //  Riley Sweeney

Riley questions Pike's timing, and Occupy's choice of tactics

2 comments; last on Dec 28, 2011

Updates from The Political Junkie

Tue, Dec 20, 2011, 2:19 pm  //  Riley Sweeney

Where Riley provides more info on the City of Bellingham employees moonlighting issue and Crawford's ethical troubles

0 comments

Dock Increases Risk of Invasive Species on Lake Whatcom

Sun, Dec 18, 2011, 8:43 pm  //  Wendy Harris

Relocation of a dock to Bloedel Donovan Park underscores failure to protect Lake Whatcom from invasive species

0 comments

Sam Crawford Faces Ethical Concerns . . . AGAIN

Thu, Dec 15, 2011, 12:44 pm  //  Riley Sweeney

Local blogger Shane Roth files ethical complaint over Crawford's sweetheart deals

3 comments; last on Dec 16, 2011

Planning Commission Fails to Remove Cherry Point From Birch Bay Mitigation Plan

Wed, Dec 14, 2011, 7:05 am  //  Wendy Harris

Claiming it is unfair to treat large property owners different than small property owners, the Commission refuses to remove industrial areas from buffer mitigation proposal.

0 comments

Rick Perry, Can We Talk?

Tue, Dec 13, 2011, 9:58 am  //  Riley Sweeney

Riley has a conversation with Rick Perry

2 comments; last on Dec 16, 2011

For Gift Ideas, Think Beyond Parker Brothers

Sat, Dec 10, 2011, 9:32 am  //  Riley Sweeney

Riley discusses his love of board games and some good gift ideas

2 comments; last on Dec 11, 2011

The Political Junkie needs your input

Thu, Dec 08, 2011, 12:47 pm  //  Riley Sweeney

Please take my reader's survey, I'm planning 2012

0 comments

Loophole Benefits SSA and Undermines Birch Bay Mitigation Proposal

Wed, Dec 07, 2011, 7:00 am  //  Wendy Harris

Tell the Planning Commission to eliminate this loophole

2 comments; last on Dec 14, 2011

Washington United for Marriage: It’s Time!

Tue, Dec 06, 2011, 11:12 am  //  Riley Sweeney

Riley attends a public meeting on equality

0 comments

The Cole Train: Loads of BS

Sun, Dec 04, 2011, 4:53 pm  //  Tip Johnson

Wherein the sooty prospect of economic necessity rears its ugly head

2 comments; last on Dec 04, 2011

Update on Cherry Point Buffer Mitigation Proposal

Fri, Dec 02, 2011, 1:08 pm  //  Wendy Harris

Planning Staff's recommended revision will not prevent SSA from reducing wetland buffers.

0 comments

UPDATE: City’s response focused on favoritism, not lost revenue

Wed, Nov 30, 2011, 5:51 pm  //  Riley Sweeney

More on the city employee moonlighting issue

0 comments

TPJ Exclusive: Little Documented Oversight for City Employee Moonlighting

Mon, Nov 28, 2011, 4:29 pm  //  Riley Sweeney

The Political Junkie breaks a story of employee moonlighting within city of Bellingham

7 comments; last on Nov 30, 2011

Deer me!

Sat, Nov 26, 2011, 3:30 pm  //  Tip Johnson

O.K. Who's in charge of all these ungulates?

14 comments; last on Dec 01, 2011

County Proposal Includes New Cherry Point Buffer Mitigation Requirements

Tue, Nov 22, 2011, 9:29 pm  //  Wendy Harris

The County's new mitigation proposal is unlikely to be adequate for Cherry Point's industrial impacts to habitat buffers

3 comments; last on Nov 24, 2011

CameraGate:  Red-light safety or city revenue?

Mon, Nov 21, 2011, 1:00 am  //  Guest writer

With budget woes, Bellingham passes on safety in favor of cash. Starting in 2008, Bellingham officials were coached by ATS on how to get Red Light cameras through…

26 comments; last on Nov 29, 2011

Cameras, not coal, decided the election

Sat, Nov 19, 2011, 8:24 pm  //  Paul de Armond

Looking at the numbers for the Bellingham elections

11 comments; last on Nov 22, 2011

Election Analysis: What does it take to win a county seat?

Fri, Nov 18, 2011, 12:28 pm  //  Riley Sweeney

Riley examines Maginnis/Crawford and Kremen/Larson

0 comments

Election Analysis: Dropoff, Lynden Suburbs and the “Buys Bounce”

Thu, Nov 17, 2011, 5:20 pm  //  Riley Sweeney

Riley looks at Lynden and coins some new phrases.

0 comments

Political Junkie Election Analysis: Louws/Ericksen

Wed, Nov 16, 2011, 12:31 pm  //  Riley Sweeney

Riley takes a look at Louws/Ericksen in the search for moderate Republicans

1 comments; last on Nov 17, 2011

Kelli Linville is elected Mayor of Bellingham

Tue, Nov 15, 2011, 5:21 pm  //  John Servais

Results are posted as of 5:21 pm. Use links at top of right side column.

2 comments; last on Nov 15, 2011

 

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